News from Kol Ami

on Wednesday, 04 May 2016.

The Egypt Times

DOORPOSTS OF JEWISH HOMES COVERED WITH LAMB BLOOD!   IS THE WORST YET TO COME?

Strange things have been happening to the people of Egypt, but not the Jews.  Recently, Egyptian reporters found out about lamb blood on the doorposts of Jews.  Are the Jews plotting against the Egyptians?  Could this be another plague?  Horrible things have been happening to us recently.  The stupid Jews believe that their “god” is saving them but it’s all nonsense.  “I think the Jews are behind it, so I’m thinking of sending them away”. Says Lord Pharoah.  Let’s hear Moses’ story about this subject. 

“The other day I was walking to Starbucks when I saw a burning bush.  It was God telling me about the slaves in Egypt and how God wanted me to lead them out, but Pharoah didn’t let us go, so God unleashed 9 plagues.  Next God will send an angel of death killing all first born Egyptian children.  I think that this is the last plague because everything in Judaism is “10”.  I can’t wait to buy a nice Frappuccino after the interview.  Can I go now?”   

Guess we’ll figure out this mystery as it unfolds. 

EXTRA WORK MAKES ISRAELITES DOUBTFUL OF BEING FREED FROM SLAVERY

200 BCE: There are currently millions of Israelites forced to do hard labour. With all the extra work, the Israelites are starting to doubt that there is a chance of escaping. They feel as if it’s the end of the road for them; that they will be slaves forever. 
RIBBITING RIPS THROUGH EGYPT! FROGS EVERYWHERE!

One morning Pharoah woke up and found froggies in his bed.  He got out of his bed and ran downstairs.  He asked his wife, “Why on earth are there froggies in my beard?”  He ran outside and saw that there were froggies raining down from the sky.  Then, he started singing “It’s raining frogs!  Halleluyah!”  Then as he was finishing the song, a frog hit him in the eye and he blacked out. 

ISRAELITES ORDERED TO WORK DOUBLE!NO STRAW TO MAKE BRICKS!

Pharoah was mad at the Israelites because he just chose to be mad at them for no reason.  So, he made the Israelite slaves work double.  They were not allowed to use straw to make bricks.  They suffered day and night.  They had no choice but to work or else they would get slapped and killed by the guards.